The new bad standard

Hellooooooo

Sorry haven’t written in ages (promised myself I would but I’m crap)!

So love life first I think…

Met a guy off tinder called rich, real rockstar type, long hair, beat up leather jacket, in a band. Things were going well, had a good friends with benefits thing going on. He didn’t have the biggest dick but made a joke of it (best thing to do really) & did do well with his mouth!! So onto the good stuff, I booty called (yes past tense) him every so often, one night I was a tad drunk, deepthroat on a few drinks is a bad idea people….. you guessed it, sick on the dick. In my defence I grabbed a towel quick (wasn’t to bad, mainly booze) wiped it off and carried on like a trooper! Not sure whether to be proud or horrified but either way I deserve a sexual medal. Just for reference he didn’t care about it, very gentlemanly of him.

So, few weeks later he pays for us to go away for a night (bonus). We go out for a meal, at this point I realise that we have literally nothing in common (didn’t do much talking before then!) but its fine just in it for the sex. So go back to the hotel get down to business, vaguely used to each other by this point, he doesn’t point out my stretch marks & I don’t point out his small dick. So hes down in my lady garden having a good munch, then he’s goes a bit lower (s’all good am a bit weird in bed). I get a surprise tounge in the bumhole (yes in, this is very important). So when his lounge comes out to my complete shock so does a loud fart, in his mouth, I farted in his mouth. I didn’t even think I needed to worry about that in sex!!!!! I say opps really loudly but the damage is done, there’s no disguising it as a lady queef, to his credit he quickly vacated said area & just came & shagged me. Did the normal goodbyes the next morning & have been avoiding his messages ever since, finally gave in and messaged him saying that I was going to date other people seriously. Could not look him in the face ever again knowing I literally let one rip in his mouth.

Told my sister (ok told everyone- its hilarious!) about it & now whenever anything remotely negative happens (tripping over, dropping  something ect) the first thing anyone says is “at least you didn’t fart in someone’s mouth”. My sexual mishap is now a standard of badness with my family, when said in other company the whole story has to be retold so they understand the reference.

So between me breaking it off with rockstar rich & now I went on a proper grown up date with a guy called Jack, he’s lovlely & I would really like him to be my person but (isn’t there always a but) he’s away training (or so he says) for 2 months so hopefully something will happen when (if) he’s back. He’s like a boy me & we clicked soooo well plus he had hilarious sex story’s as well. Went to dinner, back to his hotel, tried to have sex, bed kept moving & I was rather drunk so a terrible shag, had a very nice penis though!

Ok, in normal life (lets just bullet point this real quick!

  • Ex has moved in with McWhore & still sees our son about 3 times a month
  • Depressingly poor
  • Started smoking again due to stress (Ex threatened to get me evicted, share a tenancy so he could do it)
  • Cant get a sugar daddy, they require more effort than I can be bothered with
  • Growing a patch of pubes (am very excited about it!)

Who needs street corners when we have the internet

Interesting stuff has been happening!! So firstly a lady wants to interview me for my perfect job in Devon (pottery painting helper- love pottery painting!) so I am super pleased!! This does mean that I now actually have to tell the ex I’m moving and taking our son with us though which is scary. He’ll either shout or not care- not sure which one is worse at this point.

Ditched the sub, when pushed to produce a driving licence (always get a pic of a licence before I meet anyone incase I’m brutally murdered) there was suddenly a tone of excuses so I don’t know if he was a minor or what but am steering clear of that minefield!

Chatting to a guy with a 10″ cock (I got snapchats, I called bullshit at first aswell!) so gonna try and sit on that dick!

I am now on a sugar daddies/ sugar babies site, I figured since I like sex and money why don’t I try to find a way to combine to two. I know its kind of like prostitution (just with a nicer name) but i’m not against that to be honest, I think you should be able to sell your body if you want to (I could sell my hair if I wanted so why not my ladybits?). I’m chatting to a few people so I’m gonna see how this one pans out. Hopefully with a good dick & a wad of cash but probably a trip to the emergency room knowing my luck!

 

 

Eviction & erections

Got a lovely letter through the door this morning saying that the local council are planning to take me to court to get me evicted unless we pay off our debt of about £900 or come to some arrangement with the council. So I rang them up (again, have been trying to sort this put for over a month) and was told because I still share a tenancy with the ex (even though he doesn’t live with me) there’s no arrangement I can sort out (unless I want to pay it off In full- with all my non-existent money) without him. So I may very well be living with my mother for a while until I can pack myself and little one off to lovely Devon. Feel like I’ve had a headache constantly for the past three weeks.

Tinder, and the men, and the submissive. God I don’t even know where to continue, so I’ve thrown my lot in with the submissive guy (mainly because I’m still free to do what I want, he’d actually quite like for me to shag other men) but I keep doubting whether I made the right decision? I’m still licking my wounds from the ex and to be honest I’ve had a few one night stands now all I bloody want at the moment is a nice hot bath and a cuddle not a fuck tone of kinky sex. This guy is lovely and sweet but god, this shit is so heavy! Have you guys seen male chastity devices, (can someone explain what happens if blokes get an erection in one?) they look like torture devices, & he would like me to send pictures of him to my friends (super worried about the revenge porn laws, sods law I’d be arrested for it!). The thought of purposefully degrading someone still isn’t sitting right with me & calling someone my slave makes me twitch. Its just too tempting though, after being cheated on and completely screwed over having a guy say “I’m yours” and knowing he means it, that I could actually lock his cock up if I wished. As much as I would love to be I am not some kinky sex goddess, I’m just a regular mum with a bit to much confidence and a passion for reading and early nights (lets hope the men don’t find out!). I like sex and would not want to go without it but its bloody exhausting chatting to all these people, think I’m just feeling sorry for myself this evening (which is not a good look for me!). I just want someone casual who I can be friends with and maybe shag sometime, is that to much to ask?

Right, I promise ill be much happier and less morbid next week! Just feel exhausted by my life at the moment and have no idea how to make it better.

Sub guy below (just want to lick that stomach am I right!)

sub.png

Submisive

Tinder is a weird & wonderful place full of wankers, fuckboys, cheaters, weirdos and the occasional normal person. 

But yesterday I matched with & got chatting to someone who didn’t fit completely into any of those categories (as far as I know anyway). I found a submissive guy, now I know what your thinking but wipe it from your head as he’s gorgeous but still I thought it was a play at first (hook a girl in act like she can do what she wants ect) but after chatting for a while i am now (possibly through my own niavity) conviced he’s what he appears to be which is more frightning than anything else. I have so many questions im nearly bursting! Think I’m gonna take him out for coffee, logically I know he’s an adult but I get the vunerable vibe I just can’t ignore! And I(in hindsight) stupidly gave him a link to my blog so he’s probably reading this 🙈

The thought of him watching me shag other men is appealing though, been screwed over by the ex so badly the thought of control is tempting but I just don’t think I’m equipt to deal with it, I’m not particularly dominant either. To much potential for me to screw him over. He’s such a lovely guy I wouldn’t want to hurt him so might just shag him once, give him a stern warning women and mabey stay mates so i can vaugely look out for him?? 

Anyone have any form of experience with stuff like this, I’m soooo out of my depth, am keeping an open mind though 

#homewrecker

Germany, ohhh Germany, was a terrible little rural village (no costa or Starbucks!) but I had a fab night at the party got thoroughly slaughtered on German beer and chatted up a bartender (who was about 65). I didn’t embarrass myself to badly though which is the main thing.

The ex (wanker) messaged me today and asked to introduce the home wrecker to our son (been less than a month since I found out he was cheating) so told him that would be a firm fucking no.

Shagged a sailor so now only need an airman to complete the services set. Unfortunately I found the sailor on Facebook & he’s engaged!! What am I meant to do in this situation?? Do I tell the girl? he knows where I live, this is not the drama free shag I needed! Told him he needs to tell her & he blocked me! Poor girl doesn’t even know she’s being cheated on. Such a shame, he was a good shag, quite freaky but I liked it.

Navy wanker below!

a0a0aa0a

 

No German sausage for me

Being the fabulous mother I am I have abandoned the child at school (and to the care of my mother) for the weekend to go on holiday with the Essex half of my family (they are exactly what you imagine). So I fly out to Germany tomorrow and will hopefully be sat next to some sexy man (probably not knowing my luck!) and wont freeze my ass off while over there. Period week for me so cant have any sexy German men which is a major downside but get away from all my life drama which is lovely, your allowed to drink at 10am when your on holiday right?? Side note were going for a 60th birthday – any good ideas for last minute presents?

I’ve also finally decided to take the plunge and move away, will be lovely to have a fresh start with my little one. Its both exciting and terrifying but I’m tiered of putting my life on hold for one reason or another, so gonna go somewhere new and kick ass!

 

 

Friends with benefits 

What do you do when a friend from work see’s you single and wants to become friends with benfits?? He hasn’t said so outright but I’m getting lots of signs (he actually handed me the DVD friends with benefits 😂(side note- good film)). I really don’t want to hurt his feeling but I want a drama free life (shagging someone from work (side note- his mum also works there)) is not drama free.

Had a chat with my sister yesterday aswell (she’s 13) & I truly realised for the first time how women who ‘sleep around’ are perceived. I hate the words “slut” and “slag” & find it rather ironic that blokes (who are percieved to ‘sleep around’ more than women) don’t have any equlivent insults. So I say screw it, if you want to go & have fun bloody do it, don’t let anyone try to you what your doing with your body is wrong (reckon there probably just jelous there not getting any!)

On the plus side I see I’ve got some followers (hyperventillating), feel like a kid when a teacher says good job!