The new bad standard


Sorry haven’t written in ages (promised myself I would but I’m crap)!

So love life first I think…

Met a guy off tinder called rich, real rockstar type, long hair, beat up leather jacket, in a band. Things were going well, had a good friends with benefits thing going on. He didn’t have the biggest dick but made a joke of it (best thing to do really) & did do well with his mouth!! So onto the good stuff, I booty called (yes past tense) him every so often, one night I was a tad drunk, deepthroat on a few drinks is a bad idea people….. you guessed it, sick on the dick. In my defence I grabbed a towel quick (wasn’t to bad, mainly booze) wiped it off and carried on like a trooper! Not sure whether to be proud or horrified but either way I deserve a sexual medal. Just for reference he didn’t care about it, very gentlemanly of him.

So, few weeks later he pays for us to go away for a night (bonus). We go out for a meal, at this point I realise that we have literally nothing in common (didn’t do much talking before then!) but its fine just in it for the sex. So go back to the hotel get down to business, vaguely used to each other by this point, he doesn’t point out my stretch marks & I don’t point out his small dick. So hes down in my lady garden having a good munch, then he’s goes a bit lower (s’all good am a bit weird in bed). I get a surprise tounge in the bumhole (yes in, this is very important). So when his lounge comes out to my complete shock so does a loud fart, in his mouth, I farted in his mouth. I didn’t even think I needed to worry about that in sex!!!!! I say opps really loudly but the damage is done, there’s no disguising it as a lady queef, to his credit he quickly vacated said area & just came & shagged me. Did the normal goodbyes the next morning & have been avoiding his messages ever since, finally gave in and messaged him saying that I was going to date other people seriously. Could not look him in the face ever again knowing I literally let one rip in his mouth.

Told my sister (ok told everyone- its hilarious!) about it & now whenever anything remotely negative happens (tripping over, dropping  something ect) the first thing anyone says is “at least you didn’t fart in someone’s mouth”. My sexual mishap is now a standard of badness with my family, when said in other company the whole story has to be retold so they understand the reference.

So between me breaking it off with rockstar rich & now I went on a proper grown up date with a guy called Jack, he’s lovlely & I would really like him to be my person but (isn’t there always a but) he’s away training (or so he says) for 2 months so hopefully something will happen when (if) he’s back. He’s like a boy me & we clicked soooo well plus he had hilarious sex story’s as well. Went to dinner, back to his hotel, tried to have sex, bed kept moving & I was rather drunk so a terrible shag, had a very nice penis though!

Ok, in normal life (lets just bullet point this real quick!

  • Ex has moved in with McWhore & still sees our son about 3 times a month
  • Depressingly poor
  • Started smoking again due to stress (Ex threatened to get me evicted, share a tenancy so he could do it)
  • Cant get a sugar daddy, they require more effort than I can be bothered with
  • Growing a patch of pubes (am very excited about it!)

No German sausage for me

Being the fabulous mother I am I have abandoned the child at school (and to the care of my mother) for the weekend to go on holiday with the Essex half of my family (they are exactly what you imagine). So I fly out to Germany tomorrow and will hopefully be sat next to some sexy man (probably not knowing my luck!) and wont freeze my ass off while over there. Period week for me so cant have any sexy German men which is a major downside but get away from all my life drama which is lovely, your allowed to drink at 10am when your on holiday right?? Side note were going for a 60th birthday – any good ideas for last minute presents?

I’ve also finally decided to take the plunge and move away, will be lovely to have a fresh start with my little one. Its both exciting and terrifying but I’m tiered of putting my life on hold for one reason or another, so gonna go somewhere new and kick ass!